The Generational Douche

You ever notice how in television and the movies how amazing women always find themselves attached to fucking losers, a very original observation I know. Anyhow, I recently have taken up the on demand feature on my TV and discovered Mad Men.
Great show, but for some odd reason the douchiest character, Campbell, has the privilege of the most attractive and understanding girlfriend. It works like this is real life, not just in television and movies.

Said "Mad Men" dill face

How many times have you been out on the town and seen some goombah dumb shit with his arm wrapped around someone lovely? Too fucking many. Like, I’m talking so many you puke in your mouth on a regular basis when you leave the house, the streets of Boston teem with this nonsense. The same goes within your circle of friends. Everyone has that one friend who no matter how much of a rat bastido he is, no matter how childish, rude, inconsiderate, even prickish he can be, somehow.....somehow!! He has the woman of YOUR dreams!!
This has been going on for years their personalities remain the same but the threads have changed. It's like each generation of douche had their own uniform, you’ve just got to be able to spot them. I could say that it all started back when one cave man had the cooler loin cloth but I want to get down to brass tax. We need to flash forward to the post WWII era of the 50’s.


"I used to beat up nerds in this fuck the nerds. Revenge of the nerds would totally never happen in real life"


In the 50’s all you needed was a letterman’s jacket and you were the official hot shit of your school. Add in a false sense of entitlement and you got yourself the makings of a full blown jerk-off. All stemming from a sweater…..Whod’a thunk it?
The 60’s was a bit of a continuation for the original fashion ass-hats. The y could choose to go with 60’s in was the black IBM power suit where you landed the straight laced girl or you were the tie die jobless dip shit hippie that, despite the fact that you neglected to shower within the past 3 weeks and smells like the underside of a dick. EWWWW yo!!! Ewww!!! Ewww!!! All those germs!! Hippie man germs and Hippie lady germs!!! Mixing! Together! Swapping the BO!! That shit has a blast radius you know? Can’t you smell that? Are you oblivious to the smell. You people come around me with that odor and I feel like I’ve been infected with something.

"When this guy gets dressed; the order is socks, then the t-shirt, then the sandals. Underwear never comes into the equation"

In the 70’s you had the leisure suit. What the hell is the story behind that thing? The worst of it though was that polyester jacket mismatched with the plaid pants. Just because the astronauts used polyester doesn’t mean people here on earth should touch the stuff. And it wasn’t just the douchehats that dressed bad in the 70’s. I’m pretty sure that was just the M.O. of the 70’s dress poorly and success will soon follow.
In the 80's it was the jerk-offs with the Members Only Jackets who waltz around the club until they see some girl that has had one to many. So they go through the ol’ routine of Step 1) Put the GHB away, she’s already drunk enough. Step 2) Pop the collar on the polo shirt and straighten the skinny tie (the current trend of collar popping must have been carry over from the 80’s). Step 3)Walk up to some other guys date and feed here some cute, clever line like “hey you hot bitch”. Next thing she knows she’s pregnant with some hate breed child.



It’s current form is still the pop collar douche bag but know it’s usually accompanied with a with the new era hat with the stickers stuck to the bill. He usually walks around spouting some bullshit about BET’s song of the week. Nas was right Hip Hop is dead, and it’s people like this that killed it. I feel like if you handed one of these guys a Talib Kweli album they would say, “This is good but dude have you heard Rick Ross?”. Why can’t we all just listen to Ready To Die on loop?


"Dude.....if I flex any harder i'll shit"

We need to flash into the future where everyone just wears identical silver space suit space suits. Seinfeld pointed out “IT’s like everyone got together and decided. We’re going with the silver jumpsuit and the boots”. Simplicity is the key people.
So in essence everyone, fuck fashion. Avoid the possibility of looking like an asshole. Fellas, keep it simple. T-shirt and jeans, you can never go wrong. Same goes for you ladies. SIMPLICITY. Cut down on the accessories. What is that anyway? It like you guys are trying to bedazzle your arms and legs. But hey…if you want to throw on a black skirt and some fishnets every now and then, who am I to stop you?

Stealing: A National Phenomenon of Fun

Some of my fondest memories from my past revolve around, theft. While being illegal can always being kind of funny. There was a point in my life where I would just take shit…well just because. Being 13 and taking a bag of skittles from the local shop mart was a bit of a thrill. Then it became taking used videotapes from Hollywood video cause I didn’t have the cash to rent anything. The only problem was, while we were getting the movies for free, the selection of films that were within the stealing grasp were what some would say, lacking in quality. While we could have just pooled our cash and rented something half-way decent, we instead opted for the snatch and run free rental of masterpieces such as “Idle Hands”. Oh Devon Sawa; what happened to thee? This kind of thing was common place back in the day, just dicking around, being little bastards. You can’t judge, we had to get our kicks somehow, I mean we had yet to discover alcohol and Xbox 360 hadn’t even been invented yet, what were we supposed to do?
After I started working and had a semi steady paycheck, casual theft took a back seat. All except the sneaking into the movies. It’s weird that I go to college for film, but hate paying to see them. But who cares? Charging $10.50 for Jackass the Movie Part 2 is fucked. The real success when sneaking into the movies is pulling the multi-feature.. The art of scampering into another theater after your initial picture show has reached it’s end. One of the greatest multi feature experiences I ever had involved Beerfest (funny when it’s free), Miami Vice (still sucks even if you don’t pay for it), and Little Miss Sunshine (a movie which I enjoyed so much I actually returned to the theater and paid to see it again), Saving righteous bucks and having a good time while doing it. Now back to the real topic, stealing stuff.
As I got older it lost its thrill. Taking shit didn’t matter much any more, I mea I had a job cause and could easily afford a pack of candy unlike my 13 year old douche bag self. I had lost the taste for one of my favorite past times. That was until my second semester in college. I had just moved to the city of Boston and enrolled at Emerson College. I had a small shitty apartment and zero money. So my parents got me on the College’s “Commuter Meal” plan. 50 all you can eat trips to the dining hall and some “EC cash” all for the low low price $700 dollars, Jesus Christ it hurts to type that. Don’t these people know how bad the economy is!?!. This is just one of the many examples of how Emerson takes money. The worst part about the whole situation is what I found out while eating this shitty dining hall food. A portion of that $700 isn’t even paying for services rendered,. Some of MY goes to simple cover OTHERS theft. I sat there thinking I’m paying for shit that gets stolen? What the fuck? I need to get my fair share then, I’m entitled to start stealing shit. Over night my apartment’s kitchen was stocked with silverware, plates, cereal, napkin dispensers, cold cuts, all of it. Fuck the grocery store, I could just my little card and walking into the cafeteria with a back pack full of Tupperware and plastic bags and go to town. What did I care, fuckin’ school with their hidden fee’s and musical theater majors and hippies and hipsters and…..I’m off topic. What I’m trying to say is for me it was a small personal bonus that I got to steal shit again and at the same time shake my fist at the school establishment. Then one night at a party I discovered a whole new type of steal which reinvigorated my love for the game.
On a Saturday night prior to going out a buddy and I decided to go out to a party. To this day, I have no idea who’s party it was or why we were there but all I know is I found myself in the kitchen of an apartment located somewhere in the Fenway neighborhood owned by someone I’d never met. Very drunk at this point I just started wonderin’ around. That was when I saw it. It stared at me with those little black eyes, like it had been expecting me all evening. I knew right then and there that I had to have it. The “it” I’m referring to was a 6 inch tall Plastic bear filled with honey. I don’t know why I needed it, I just did. I snatched it off the shelf and walked into the living room to find my friend. I was caring the bear as if it were a drink on a martini tray, balancing it ever so carefully. The honey bear had become my precious. I walked up to my friend and presented him with what I had found. He looked at it and laughed. I told him “I’m taking this little bitch”. He then said then he said, “Well are you just going to take him or are you going to make a tradsie”. He was joking but I thought, why not trade. So I went into my bag which we had packed our booze in and looked around for something to trade. After a few minutes of searching I found something. A salt shaker. I immediately ran back to the pantry where I had found my new friend and placed the salt shaker in his absent spot. There was nothing else on this self where the honey bear had been so the salt shaker stood tall like a tiny Washington Monument….if it were filled with salt.
For the rest of the night little Honey bear sat in my front shirt pocket. I don’t think I have ever had my picture taken so many times in one night. Maybe prom night but, unlike my date, the people I was in the photos with actuality we actuality excited to be in them. Who wouldn’t want a photo of a weird dude with a Honey bear in his front pocket? Probably most sober people but that’s beside the point. I’m sure somewhere out there on this crazy interweb there are dozens of facebook photos tagged as Steve smith with “Weird Honey Bear guy”. Personally I’m fine with that. It’s like an alter ego.
The next morning I woke up face down on my couch only to look up at the coffee table to see that little eyed bastard staring back at me. I had a pounding headache, the little bear brought a smile to my face. Then I threw up. That night a new hobby was born, a hobby which I still enjoy today. The ol’ party swap. I realize that this is childish, some would even call stealing from strangers a little wrong, but damnit its harmless and funny. If I’m going to a party where I know absolutely no one I’ll bring a little something. A GI Joe, a bottle of Hot sauce, maybe even a VHS copy of The Sandlot 2, really any random thing that I won’t miss. Once at the party for a bit, I’ll wait or everyone to get a little drunk and then start scoping the place out. Nothing of any value, just an equal trade of uselessness. My only hope is that the next morning some one wakes after their drunken slumber to see that VHS copy of Sandlot 2 and smiles…then they question where the fuck their box of baby wipes went.

My Take On Politics (If you can't catch you can't be president)

So down in the South End of Boston there has been an occurrence of posters featuring a blend of the faces of Abraham Lincoln and Barrack Obama. Pretty cool. But is it fair? Can we really compare these dudes? I mean Obama, as much as I like the guy, I still don’t really have a clear view of what his plan is for this country and not to mention, he hasn’t even been elected yet! Is it fair to compare him to the man who has become known as one of the greatest presidents of all time? Who knows? What this picture really does is fulfill what all of us already knew to be true. Barack would look fabulous with a beard…..Absolutely fabulous

Sort of a Andy Warhol kinda thing, right?

I guess the times are a changing and stuff, which is a good thing but the problem is I have that jaded few towards polotics that I feel that everyone who has sat the through the past to elections feels. That feeling being, who gives a fuck, we're all fucked anyways. I watched Al Gore lose....sort of. I saw John Kerry fumble the election worse than this football pass
Doink

Wow wait....there are so many John Kerry Football Pics.


Like this one....

And this one......

And even this one....You would think that a man who was running for president in this day and age would be a bit more self aware. How are his eyes always closed?

I know it's not football but I really couldn't resist. God the democrats threw out a douche that time around. Worst part is fact that this douche lives like 12 blocks away and all I want to do is egg his house. A very mature action in my opinion. Barack has done pretty well a keeping himself in the coolness with a little stutter step on Ellen.
But who cares...the man can definitely shuffle with the best of 'em. Maybe he is the man for change. He decided to do the electric slide on a lesbian's talk show. Progressive? I think so. An why shouldn't he be. He the first real black candidate for president, he can do whatever he pleases. I like him so far. I'll probably keep liking him. I mean my only other option is John Mccain and well.....I don't care for that little man....or his unreasonably attractive for her age wife.

If it's one issue all of America can agree upon it's that we need more GILFs on Capitol Hill, and in the mainstream media.....and in general. What I'm trying to say is I'm pro GILF. Anyways, Go Barrack and go Mrs. McCain! Call me you hot piece republican booty!

I think Iran's gone Crazy!!!!

Alright kids, so the Iranian missile tests....wahts the story with this shit. They are trying to play it cool by continuing the claims that their nuclear program is just for kicks and energy and all that "safe" stuff nuclear research is capable of. But then they have to go and start testing long range missles in broad day light. Missles with a range of over 1,200 miles where as Tel Aviv rests just under 750 miles from Iran's borders. What kind of message does that send? Personally I think the message is "I'll blow you all to hell if I want to". Frankly I think that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is trying to compensate for something. Figurativly and in actuality. On Wednesday the Iranian media released this photo of 4 missiles being launched into the sky.


But turns out one of those suckers did go up. So the hit the ol' photoshop to fix that. Damn are they good with that shit too. Didn't even occur to me that it might be a fake. But low and behold Tursday morning I'm presented with this.


Whooopths! If your going to screw around with Photoshop guys, you got to make sure to destroy the original evidence Okay? This is a concept that seems to always bite people in the ass. But whattaya gonna do? Israel is up in arms, American Admiral s are weighing on the odds of an attack on Iran and how it would really ruin our whole "we got it under control" attitude towards the globe. I just sit and listen to al this and wonder if I should even plan ahead further than a couple of months. I go to collge for writing and film. But who needs entertainment when we can look forward CNN war coverage of Iraq and Afghanistan, and eventually China, Iran, North Korea......the list goes on. And damn if it isn't depressing.