Day At The Movies (A super hero dog, the holocaust and a lot of heavy breathing.)

Soooo this weekend, the tweens proved who pushes the market these days when Twilight made over 70 million dollars in its first weekend. What with all the hype behind the picture I decided to tack it on to the tail end of a Saturday theater hopping, movie marathon. It started with the family romp, Bolt in 3D, which was needles to say a fun filled 90 minutes. All had in a theater that featured the faint sent of wet diapers and popcorn. Yummy! Yummy is not a word I use much, but I’m using it now. I’ll have to live with that.

The next picture of the day was the holocaust drama, The Boy in The Striped Pajamas. There’s nothing like watching Jews getting slaughtered to kill the happy go lucky buzz that I had acquired from the previous picture. I was having too much fun, I had to take myself down a peg. It’s a standard self-sabotage method that I won’t get into right now. Boy in Pajamas was a good movie though, the only issue was during the opening credits. A friend of mine pointed out that I was the only gentile amongst our movie marathon crew. This being said, he decided to enlighten my catholic self on what the Holocaust was. His description went a little something like this.

So back in the 70’s the Germans were acting all fucked up to the Jews in Europe, so the Jew were like “fuck this noise” and bounced. Then in the 80’s when the Jews went back, they were like, “what the hell dudes?” The Germans were like, “oh my B.” And it was the 80’s so the Jews were to coked up on disco to really care.

I’m laughing at his fucked up interpretation of history, meanwhile the theater screen is flooded with the visual representation of the Nazi regime; swastikas, tanks, military marching, not exactly comic fodder. The lady in front of me kept turning around, trying to figure out what the hell my problem was.
The piece de resistance of this wonderful fun filled afternoon was the emo/tween vampire flick Twilight. After the first 20 minutes where I was laughing out loud at scenes that were supposed to be dramatic. I think this is the first time that I have felt really old. Never have I sat through a movie that was so entirely over my head. For 122 minutes I was in utter confusion. Leave it to a Mormon to make a vampire story devoid of penetration; of both the carnal neck bite and ol’ fashioned fucking variety. Which are really the only two things that make vampire movies interesting. In place of these norms was a good 30 minutes of the heavy breathing and stoic staring. If staring at a girl while breathing heavily actually worked as a pick up method, I wouldn’t be spending my nights writing this blog.

Not only was the movie bad, but the actors involved…what is their deal? Check this interview to see what I mean.

Interview with shit heads

Low and behold their off screen personas are about as stiff as a 13 year old’sgirls nipples during a screening of this ball of shit. Since when are a person’s poor public speaking skills considered mysterious and dreamy?

$70 million….Really? $70 million? Damnit ‘Merica! What the hell? How did we as a people let this happen? There have been good teen/tween movies before. The Harry Potter series has been enjoyable, Pixar regularly pumps out the goods. John Hughes dominated the 80’s with great teen flicks that were very watchable for those outside of the “driving permit” age bracket. Now what do we have? High School Musical, The Jonas Brothers, Twilight and Miley Cyrus. Teen tweens eat this shit up. Our only hope is that a world-wide disaster will take out all the products and the consumers. That’s right; I’m talking about wiping out an entire generation, and it’s entertainers. Insensitive and drastic? Maybe. Completely necessary? Absolutely. Who’s with me?